everyeyedothdwell | (no subject)

(no subject)

[ It's not even that uncommon that Thomas ends up like this, really. Too boneless and exhausted to even lift his wrists up for Christina to untie them; too much to do more at all than stare up at her with heavy, misted eyes.

He wants to say something but his tongue hangs heavy in his mouth and his mind is thick and almost drugged, and so in the end the best he can do is to lie there, curled on his side as sweat and come slowly dry on his skin, and lose himself in the slow throbbing across his back and ass and the backs of his thighs where Christina had taken a crop to him until he'd nearly blacked out with the pleasure-pain of it. ]

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[ He... oh.

Thomas flutters his eyes open for a brief moment before they slip shut again, and makes a soft noise. ]

Yes, neesama. S'perfect...

[ He sounds like he's barely there at all, voice quiet and breathy, and even his breathing is soft and almost-silent once the words stop. ]

[She works her fingertips into his scalp with a sigh.]

We've got to get up soon, you know.

[ (get up?)

(he barely even understands what she's saying)

Brows knitting into a frown, Thomas whines in the back of his throat. ]

Sleep...

[She shakes her head slightly.]

No sleep.

[She pushes the covers down a little, so Thomas' chest is bared.]

[ Thomas shivers at the cold air on his chest, but doesn't make any move to get up.

(not that he's sure he could if he wanted to) ]

Too tired...

[She reaches to pull him up a little by his shoulders and prop him up slightly with another pillow.]

I know, Thomas, but once you get up it'll get better...

I promised my double we'd meet him.

[ Thomas lets her move him around, but stays limp and boneless against the pillows.

(there's a shiver, though, at the mention of that double of hers)

(even as foggy as he is right now, the thought of them still calls to mind the... other thoughts that being around them prompts) ]

No...

You never want to see them, Thomas.

[She sits up and stretches out a little. She's a bit worn out as well.]

They asked me last time if you thought there was something wrong with them.

[ Thomas shifts just enough that his face is half-buried in the pillow, chews on his bottom lip.

(his eyes are burning suddenly and his stomach clenches nervously and he wants, more than he ever has before, to go back to not being able to think at all) ]

Not with them.

[ It's quiet and hoarse, echoing a sentiment Thomas has barely even acknowledged in his own mind. ]

...hmm?

[She lies back down, moves in a little closer to him.

(him?)]

Tell me.

[ Thomas makes a quiet, choked noise.

(a short, sharp shake of the head)

(she's...) ]

Can't. Wouldn't be okay.

Anything you want to say is okay.

[She puts a hand on (his?) cheek.]

I promise.

[ Thomas cringes from the touch, eyes clamped shut.

(no, no, it wasn't supposed to come out and Thomas can't lie to Christina but)

(Thomas can't tell her, either)

(even if she says it'll be okay...)

(it seems like no time at all since they were at each other's throats, and Thomas can't do anything that might break apart what they have now) ]

No. Can't. Please.

S'okay for them but it's different it's not...

...

[She thinks, for a moment, then nods slowly.]

...you can stay home this once, all right?

But next time you're going to come see both of them.

[ Another head shake. ]

Can't. I can't. Don't make me please don't make me please neesama mistress joousama please--

[ Thomas is worked up into a state now, tugging the blankets up frantically to huddle under them.

(everything's going to be ruined)

(no no no) ]

[She frowns and puts her arms around h(im?), stroking at Thomas' back to try to calm him.]

Shh. It's fine. You don't have to go anywhere.

[She'll have to...talk to her double. Consult them about this.

She's not going to let her sibling suffer and hide.]

[ Thomas sobs sharply, curling into a ball against Christina.

She

(he, he, has to be he but she's--)

can't quite catch her breath, she can't breathe because she's messed it up and--

(Christina's arms are warm around her and Thomas can't stop her tears from coming now)

(you can't say it because saying it makes it real but)

(isn't thinking it the same as saying it to yourself?) ]

Shh...shh, Thomas, it's okay...

[She buries her face in her hair, still rubbing at her back.]

You're okay.

[ Thomas clutches onto Christina, sobbing into her neck now. ]

I don't want this I didn't want this why is it--

I want to go back to before I don't want to think about it...!

I'm...sorry, Thomas...

[She's still holding her as close as she can.]

...why?

I-I don't... Maybe here it'd be...

If we ever ended up back home...

[ Maybe Byron's gone now but he was a shadow over both of them for long enough that--

(Thomas is so tired of being a disappointment) ]

Thomas...

[...she doesn't know what to...]

...it doesn't matter to me. You know that, don't you...?

[ Thomas shakes her head, just barely.

(she's quiet now but she sounds so lost) ]

It's not... right, though. I'm not right, it's not...

It'd be... it'd be worse if he ever... if somehow, he...

...

...he's gone, Thomas.

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

[She sounds firm in that, at least.]

[ Thomas goes silent, doesn't say another word.

(is he really gone?)

(even if he's gone physically...

isn't he still there, really?)

(none of them can escape him, not really)

Hanging her head, Thomas only pulls back and wraps her arms around her knees with a soft sigh. ]