everyeyedothdwell | (no subject)

(no subject)

[ It's not even that uncommon that Thomas ends up like this, really. Too boneless and exhausted to even lift his wrists up for Christina to untie them; too much to do more at all than stare up at her with heavy, misted eyes.

He wants to say something but his tongue hangs heavy in his mouth and his mind is thick and almost drugged, and so in the end the best he can do is to lie there, curled on his side as sweat and come slowly dry on his skin, and lose himself in the slow throbbing across his back and ass and the backs of his thighs where Christina had taken a crop to him until he'd nearly blacked out with the pleasure-pain of it. ]

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[ Thomas shifts just enough that his face is half-buried in the pillow, chews on his bottom lip.

(his eyes are burning suddenly and his stomach clenches nervously and he wants, more than he ever has before, to go back to not being able to think at all) ]

Not with them.

[ It's quiet and hoarse, echoing a sentiment Thomas has barely even acknowledged in his own mind. ]

...hmm?

[She lies back down, moves in a little closer to him.

(him?)]

Tell me.

[ Thomas makes a quiet, choked noise.

(a short, sharp shake of the head)

(she's...) ]

Can't. Wouldn't be okay.

Anything you want to say is okay.

[She puts a hand on (his?) cheek.]

I promise.

[ Thomas cringes from the touch, eyes clamped shut.

(no, no, it wasn't supposed to come out and Thomas can't lie to Christina but)

(Thomas can't tell her, either)

(even if she says it'll be okay...)

(it seems like no time at all since they were at each other's throats, and Thomas can't do anything that might break apart what they have now) ]

No. Can't. Please.

S'okay for them but it's different it's not...

...

[She thinks, for a moment, then nods slowly.]

...you can stay home this once, all right?

But next time you're going to come see both of them.

[ Another head shake. ]

Can't. I can't. Don't make me please don't make me please neesama mistress joousama please--

[ Thomas is worked up into a state now, tugging the blankets up frantically to huddle under them.

(everything's going to be ruined)

(no no no) ]

[She frowns and puts her arms around h(im?), stroking at Thomas' back to try to calm him.]

Shh. It's fine. You don't have to go anywhere.

[She'll have to...talk to her double. Consult them about this.

She's not going to let her sibling suffer and hide.]

[ Thomas sobs sharply, curling into a ball against Christina.

She

(he, he, has to be he but she's--)

can't quite catch her breath, she can't breathe because she's messed it up and--

(Christina's arms are warm around her and Thomas can't stop her tears from coming now)

(you can't say it because saying it makes it real but)

(isn't thinking it the same as saying it to yourself?) ]

Shh...shh, Thomas, it's okay...

[She buries her face in her hair, still rubbing at her back.]

You're okay.

[ Thomas clutches onto Christina, sobbing into her neck now. ]

I don't want this I didn't want this why is it--

I want to go back to before I don't want to think about it...!

I'm...sorry, Thomas...

[She's still holding her as close as she can.]

...why?

I-I don't... Maybe here it'd be...

If we ever ended up back home...

[ Maybe Byron's gone now but he was a shadow over both of them for long enough that--

(Thomas is so tired of being a disappointment) ]

Thomas...

[...she doesn't know what to...]

...it doesn't matter to me. You know that, don't you...?

[ Thomas shakes her head, just barely.

(she's quiet now but she sounds so lost) ]

It's not... right, though. I'm not right, it's not...

It'd be... it'd be worse if he ever... if somehow, he...

...

...he's gone, Thomas.

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

[She sounds firm in that, at least.]

[ Thomas goes silent, doesn't say another word.

(is he really gone?)

(even if he's gone physically...

isn't he still there, really?)

(none of them can escape him, not really)

Hanging her head, Thomas only pulls back and wraps her arms around her knees with a soft sigh. ]

...he doesn't matter.

You matter.

...

Should I go?

[ Thomas looks almost panicked, when she asks if she should go.

(go where?)

(Thomas barely even remembers any more, that they were supposed to be meeting anyone at all) ]

G-go?

...we were supposed to meet my double.

And yours.

[She sighs softly.]

[ Thomas swallows hard, clutches herself tighter. ]

Don't-- don't leave me alone. I-I... if you have to go then I'll...

[ The idea of seeing that Chris is better than the idea of being all alone right now. ]

[She nods, kisses her on the cheek one last time before she stands up to get dressed, stretching herself out a little and letting the slight breeze through the curtains cool her off.

After a moment, she picks up her bra and panties and begins to re-dress.]

[ As much as Thomas said she'd go, she doesn't make a move to emerge from the blankets or to dress herself yet.

(nothing she owns feels right, as it is) ]

...neesama?

Hmm?

[She pulls her dress over her head and pats it down.]

Do you want to borrow something?

[ Thomas flinches a little, at that. ]

It... wouldn't fit properly.